Lately, I've been lost. Searching for opportunities that aren't there, looking in all different directions so as not to focus on one thing. Trying to restore balance to myself after the last wind-whirl of a year. Well, I've figured it out. I know the job I want that will keep me completely balanced in all sides of my life. Maybe it would be better to say that I know what I want to be able to do in that job, or with that job because I don't know a job that would allow me to be have all these things.
Jobs... it is just me or do they tend to limit people?
Anyway, this is what I desire, and I hope to one day to claim it as my very own career.
My desires:
I desire to live a long, happy life with my inspiring family, I don't feel this needs explaining. Derek really is my best friend and being loved by my boys is my life's greatest accomplishments. I desire to travel, and not in the way the corporate world travels. I want to travel and get lost in the culture. I desire to write, and not just a blog. I want to write books. My parents always said that I should do amazing things with my hands. I imagine that is why they suffered through the way I would try one instrument, then another, and another, and get no where. I desire to photograph, I want to not just document moments but to capture them, freeze them and transport them to into another moment in a different person's life. I desire to help people. I've always been a "giver" or "doer", I think that is something you are or you aren't. It's something I love about myself, and I want to give to so many people, not just my family and friends. I desire to paint, draw, sew and create, someone once said, "Take away my pencil and paintbrush and you will see just how crazy I truly am..." That sums me up, from still life's to the beautiful human figure; "the world just gets quite with a paintbrush in my hand"(The Notebook). I desire to be healthy; to function fully, physically, emotionally and mentally. I desire to live by the ocean. To run on the beach to get tossed in the white water of the waves. To say to myself, "To surf today, or to not surf today? That is the question." With the answer always being, "To surf!" I desire to have dogs. Hair everywhere, I don't care, sweet souls to follow me around, run with me, play with me and keep me young. I desire to have money. I know you aren't suppose to say that out loud, but I do, I want to be wealthy. I have lived many years on strict budgets, which is okay, but I don't want to have to worry about money. I'm not the one to want lavish things, and ridiculous cars, but I do want to be financially secure. I want to be able to provide for, and give to my family, friends and those who need it. I desire to be around family. I don't feel this contradicts my desire to travel, and living in Australia, this is something that I learned is very important to me. They keep me grounded, real, and honest. I desire to experience music. There is something about hearing the lyrics roll off the tongue of singer and into your ears, the energy, the moment that is being shared with a thousand other people. There are not many experiences like that.
Questions:
If I know who I am and where I want to go, why do I feel so helplessly lost? Where do I go from here? Time to take action, but in which direction? Where does one start?
Feeling like Lucy has come on slowly, but now it's strong and starting to be crippling. I think part of the crippling feeling is thinking that I should have it all figured out by now, shouldn't I? I'm 28 and still working on that age old, haunting question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
For once I just want someone to listen to my answer,
I want to be ME.
I think I'm going to have to create my own job at some point...
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When I grow up I want to be me.
Lucy, by Lindsay Mac
"Lucy walks down the avenue; she waits for the subway and reads the news.
It tells of conflict, miracle, danger and strife, Lucy sighs, this has become her life.
The train arrives and Lucy’s cloud is clear, a packed car awaits with it’s usual city sneers. She nudges in and gets squeezed against the door, but the train rumbles on as she flips to page four.
Lucy remembers her dreams of sailing the ocean’s blue waters with the spice of India passing through the Straight of Gibraltar, the shores of Labrador are just around the other bend and the Cape of Good Hope thinks that she’s be back again.
Her briefcase sags and her stockings do too. She never liked to wear them like the other girls do. And as the train drops her off garbage swirls around her feet, she thinks to herself, “Is this really me, hey?”
Lucy remembers her dreams of sailing the ocean’s blue waters with the spice of India passing through the Straight of Gibraltar, the shores of Labrador are just around the other bend and the Cape of Good Hope thinks that she’s be back again.
I’m Lucy! I’m Lucy! I’m Lucy of all the world!
And if you want to hear a tale, about the way I used to be, just sit back, and take off your hat, and hold on tight, and let’s go. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.
Lucy gave her notice late last week; her boss was surprised to say the very least. She said the King of Tonga was awaiting for her to arrive, and with the weather report, it’d be a very long ride.
Lucy remembers her dreams of sailing the ocean’s blue waters with the spice of India passing through the Straight of Gibraltar, the shores of Labrador are just around the other bend and the Cape of Good Hope thinks that she’s be back again.
Oh, oh back again. Oh, oh back again."
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